I haven't blogged in a very long time and wanted to get back into the habit of cataloging my thoughts. Lately I've been all over the map with my thoughts about everything in life. Life is crazy and very busy these days. I'm in my clinical rotation and submitted my graduation plan. Hopefully I get my first degree in December. This is step one and a huge accomplishment in what has been a very long and difficult journey.
My choice in degrees, the health care field, is one I'm passionate about. I believe in evidence-based medicine and am very skeptical of pseudoscience. The further along I get, the more crystallized my pathway is become I love science. LOVE IT! I read science journals and studies for fun and books about the history of science. This has several affects on my personal life. First, I'm pretty sure I'm a dull person to talk to. My brain is full of "fun facts" and stats. Secondly, I'm pretty intolerant of people who are not well-versed in science telling me where I'm wrong or to "educate myself" then to assert a crazy opinion that's strictly anecdotal. It drives me up the wall actually. So far, I've held my tongue since I realize that there's no arguing. At that point I mark it up to a fundamental difference and ignore it. This leads to the first lie I told myself because that's not something that would've bothered me prior to going back to school.
1) School Won't Change Who I Am....LIE
I am a vastly different person than the woman who sat down in her first class 6 years ago after deciding to go back to school after having children. 6 years of balancing school, kids, after school activities and church. It's changed everything. The way I think. The way my children see me. The things that I'm interested in. My confidence and self esteem (which honestly were never lacking) have only benefited from going back to school.
2) It's Easy....LIE
This never-ending juggling act is so hard. Right now, for example, I'm in full-time classes and have to get a certain number of clinical hours in before a May 2 deadline. Translation: I have to get up and get my kids dressed and ready for school every day and myself dressed for either work or school depending on the day and leave before 7:30 to get there on time. Every day, Monday-Friday. Missing one day has serious consequences and all time is borrowed from something else. As of today, I have a test tomorrow, a paper due Friday and I'm behind in my math class. While doing my interning today, I got a call from my oldest son from school who was in the nurse's office begging to come home. I hoped he would get better so I wouldn't have to cut my hours short today because as it stands, I'll be 6 hours short unless I can work a few Saturdays in the next few weeks. So, yeah, it's really hard. I've wanted to quit so many times. Having a baby in the middle of a semester almost 4 years ago was the closest I got to quitting. It was really hard to continue. I'm not sure if stubbornness, pride or fear of student loans kept me going. Now I just want to finish what I've started.
3) If I Can Do It, Anyone Can....LIE
Let me start this one by saying that I absolutely don't think I'm smarter than most people, not even a little bit. I'm a huge advocate of educating women and will always answer any question anyone has about getting started, learning the juggling act or tricks to navigate the murky waters of financial aid since I learned all that from scratch.
What I mean by I don't think anyone can do it, is I've seen people start all around me and stop when things got hard. Going in you have to be prepared to cry and scream, want to run away from home, have your kids tell you that you never have time for them (that one hurts the most). It has almost destroyed me completely and if a person is softer it might. My lack of soul has helped in this instance. ;)
4) The Cost Will Be Worth It....LIE
I'm still not sure of this one. I miss everything. It's the end of March and I have yet to set foot in my oldest son's middle school this year aside from dropping off a lunch or bag he left at home or in my car. I have only spoken to his teachers on the phone and don't know what his locker looks like. I miss most scout functions and he has zero patches sewn or even glued on. That's all cost...to him. My younger son can't do the extracurricular activities he wants to because I have night classes every other semester and my schedule is so erratic at times that we can't have regular activities. He also has no patches on his scout shirt and I missed his curriculum night where he made a special project to show his family. That's another cost. My daughter goes to a babysitter 5 days a week, something I swore I'd never do. She loves her sitter and the kids there but the mommy guilt is almost debilitating at times. Cost Cost Cost
5) It Will All Work Itself Out...LIE
When I first started school, this was the biggest lie I told myself. Not just once either but repeatedly. When things were hard and there was a test pending, the lie emerged. It's going to work itself out. No, you work it out. You can't put off writing a paper or studying for an exam and hope things will work out. Yes, time will still move forward and things will work out but not the way the lie was having you believe. Work works itself out. The harder you work, the easier things fall into place. That's the truth of the matter. This goes back to juggling. A big secret I've learned is doing homework in the carline. I get there really early and work my butt off for an hour. My toddler is contained and entertained and I have a moment to myself to get some work done.
I think the lie spawned from high school. High school was easy for me, I don't think I did an ounce of studying for 4 years. So the thought was that college would be like that. At first, it was. The classes were easy and the A's came naturally. Then came a coding class. I studied for 4-6 hours a night and worked myself stupid and still ended up with a 78. This was a hard lesson, my gpa dropped and my ego was crushed. The motto, study smarter, not harder became my credence.
Now, within sight of the first milestone, I'm reflecting on this journey and wondering if faced with the decision again if I'd make the same choice. I probably would but it would be much more thought out than it was the first time around.
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